"russian name" - july 1/04

mike: guess what my name means (name was "Ya prosto obaldenniy!")
shaun: "Yay, I won't go bald?"
mike: I am pure awesome
mike: in russian
mike: i also have "can i go in the bear" etc and "what time is it" etc translated
shaun: dude you have WAY too much time on your hands
mike: no i traded these translations for a gmail invite
shaun: lol no way
shaun: hahahaha
mike: the person was like "do you mean, can i go in the BAR?" "nope bear"
shaun: hahaha
shaun: they must have been soooo confused
"stage 13, part 1" - july 1/04

mike: so do you want to go to that stage 13 thing?
shaun: if you could drive us there, i'm in
shaun: but weekend pass would be better
mike: ok it'd be better for me too
shaun: i'm pretty sure I could be there by friday, just gotta clear it with my Aunt
mike: ok
mike: cause yeah i'll drive, that's fine
shaun: ok, cause I won't have a vehicle
mike: i know
shaun: lol
"schnozz" - july 5/04

mike: hey
shaun: schnozz
shaun: i love that word
mike: haha
mike: punch you in the shnozz!
shaun: lol yeah!
shaun: so what's new
mike: nothing
"stage 13, part 2" - july 7/04

mike: k well go trans canada right through calgary, and then look for highway 24, it turns off the TC to the right
mike: then you just follow that allllll the way to vulcan
mike: easy
shaun: should be
shaun: so all the way through calgary?
mike: yeah the TC goes right through
shaun: no but I mean 24 is on the other side of calgary?
mike: oh yeah
mike: 24 is east of calgary
shaun: k that shouldn't be too hard
shaun: well gotta go look at a car
mike: ok, lemme know how that goes
shaun: will do
shaun: lol
shaun: unfortunately no
"stage 13, part 3" - july 8/04

shaun: i'm not stoked about the whole we have to cross the highway to get there part
mike: ahh we'll throw a cow onto it and stop traffic
mike: then scurry across
shaun: haha actually kinda on that note, when there's a tornado ever notice that the cows go flying, but you never see any chickens??
shaun: I think the cows should just hang on to the chickens
mike: and fly away using the chickens
shaun: no no use the chickens as anchors
shaun: cause you never see any chickens whipping around in a tornado
"stage 13, part 4" - july 8/04

jamie: don't wreck the tent
mike: what if i am in a tornado
mike: and it gets sucked away
mike: into the vortex
mike: along with shaun
jamie: then you die
mike: no shaun dies
mike: i run away
mike: i sacrifice shaun to the tornado
mike: muah ha ha
"stage 13, part 5" - july 8/04

shaun: haha dude, i'm drawing a complete blank on what i should bring
mike: what do you mean?
mike: warm clothes
mike: sleeping bag
mike: flashlight would be good
mike: i don't have one
shaun: k flashlight!! that's gold man
shaun: i have a lighter
mike: that's not quite a flashlight
shaun: no i have a flashlight too
mike: whatever stuff is needed to put the tent up
shaun: our hands
shaun: no real challenge there
mike: unless you didn't have hands
shaun: this is true, but in that case i'd most likely have a bucket and a megaphone
"tank" - july 8/04

dale: i drove a fucking tank today
mike: whoa
mike: awesome
dale: yeah it rocked and then i spent the rest of the day fucking around in photoshop and then i went and bought useless shit
mike: haha
mike: like what
dale: an armband a t shirt and two cds
dale: and some pussy
dale: just joking
dale: i only got one cd
dale: ba dump
"POLE" - july 8/04

mike: that was an interesting analogy
dale: yeah but soo fitting it is like mah-fitting becuase it's soo fitting
dale: it's a bangin analogy
mike: ok, i have no idea what that meant
mike: but if it's bangin that has to be good
dale: from the doctor scholls comercial they have this new insert with gel
mike: ohh ok I haven't seen this commercial
dale: and the guys are all like hey i'm gellin' you gellin' and then this guy is like i am maa--gellin' i'm sooo gellin'
dale: like magellan the famous explorer
mike: haha, ok
dale: holy fuck i just thought of the funiest thing to do to hunter
mike: what's that
dale: go up to him and be like polo
dale: and he would be like what
dale: and you go like marco polo and he would be but my name is mark and then you oh ok and you scream POLE in his face
mike: hahaha
mike: okay that would be funny
dale: it would maaa-funny
dale: like the famous explorer
dale: POLE
dale: i am seriously going to have a heart attack
mike: from laughing?
dale: because all my best inside jokes are with myself
mike: haha
dale: later bater skater tater gator and ever other fucking annoying ater word
"useless" - july 12/04

jay: what did you say?
mike: what?
jay: what did you just say?
mike: um nothing?
jay: oh, a conversasion popped up with nothing on it
jay: weird
mike: strange
jay: Are there any new Clone High episodes
mike: not that i know of
jay: i see. Your useless to me
"german" - july 13/04

mike: FEEEEACK!!
mike: you know it could almost be german
shaun: this is true
mike: so what's up
"no response" - july 13/04

wanda: Hey Dale guess what?
dale: What?
wanda: Fuck you hahahahahaha
    (ten seconds later)
dale: Hey wanda!
    (no response)
dale: Hey wanda!
    (no response)
dale: Hey wanda!
wanda: Holy fuck what?
dale: Fuck you hahahahahaha
"not bad" - july 13/04

mike: hey jenn
mike: how's it going?
jenn: not bad
jenn: lightning struck the airport and our maps went down today
jenn: then half of kamloops flooded by like 2 - 3 feet of water
jenn: then 2 fires started
jenn: so yeah, not bad
"camel" - july 16/04

shaun: hello
mike: yo
shaun: how are you today
mike: Insubstantial!
shaun: well that is not good..
shaun: you should eat some camel, i hear it's good for your pancreas
"robot dancing" - july 17/04

dale: Now everyone will know that I dance like a robot in the shower.
lorne: And then everyone will call you the guy who dances like a robot in the shower.
dale: And then I will change my name to I, Robot.
"feet" - july 18/04

ian: It's like an orgasm for my feet!
"qualities" - july 20/04

lorne: I remember in health class we had to make a list of what we were looking for in a girl. The first one we put down was a sense of humour and the second one was the ability to fit a grapefruit in her mouth.
"the band, part 1"july 20/04

mike: you just joined a band
mike: Kool-Aid Death Roundup
mike: it's me you and nick
shaun: haha ok
mike: we're gonna make a fake website
mike: and pretend it's real
shaun: what does nick play
mike: we haven't figured that out yet
shaun: you do realize we'll have to take some band photos
mike: and
mike: first album name
shaun: that actually works too
mike: i know!
mike: it's so perfect
shaun: ok
shaun: but i want to be lead vocals
shaun: and SYNTH!!
shaun: oh wait
shaun: are we a rock band?
mike: i don't know yet
mike: here's the songs me and nick came up with
mike: Bring Back My Toast; Orangutan Shuffle; The Invincible Serizawa; I'M BACK; Spoon River
"exciting" - july 22/04

mark: Yeah, you should come to Cranbrook for a weekend
mark: I'll show you exciting !
mike: i should
mike: never been
mark: we have a beach here
mark: apparently
mike: no beach here
mike: the occasional tornado though
mark: Have you had any?
mike: yeah about a month ago there were tornados about 10-20 mins out of town
mike: there were storm warnings here and everything
mark: Holy shit
mike: Darren was out chasing the storm taking pictures
mark: Really?
mark: That sounds like fun
mark: All we ever get here are people in wheelchairs getting hit by cars
"canadian idol" - july 22/04

mark: I wrote my first column last week
mark: It got a huge response
mark: Guess what I wrote about...
mike: what's that
mark: Canadian Idol
mark: Yep
mark: All about the important issues
mark: I made reference to Zack Morris, Degrassi, Tequila
mike: nice
mike: they online?
mark: No, our website is as useful as www.mattsilver.net
mark: Or cooltrap.com
"cool and disgusting" - july 23/04

dale: Look at this present I bought my friend for his birthday. It is kinda cool and disgusting all at the same time. (pulling out a blow-up donkey)
"the band, part 2" - july 23/04

shaun: lol k dude, I convinced jenn that Kool-Aid Death Roundup is real
mike: nice
mike: okay tell me the whole story
shaun: well I took jenn for a drive in my new car, and i asked her if she wanted to be in the Fan Club of K.A.D.R. , and she was like what is that?, and I said, well it's my band, well Mine, referring to both Nick and Mike as well.
shaun: She's like: what does mike play? me: uhhhhh drums, jenn: drums? are you for real? me: yeah, and nick plays guitar
shaun: she's at that point where she's not sure
"alien birth" - july 27/04

(to melissa, doubled over in pain)
dale: Wouldn't it be cool if you gave birth to a little green alien?
"cut your face" - july 28/04

nick: haha. o-kay.
mike: it's men in hats
nick: oh right. i read that yesterday.
nick: i remember now
mike: it's men in hats
mike: truly a worthy subject of remembrance
nick: thats true, unlike you, who is quite forgettable
nick: lol
nick: well looks like my chicken is arrived and im about to be forcefed, i'll be back in a bit
mike: ok
mike: watch yourself with your knife that you don't .......CUT YOUR FACE!!
nick: i'll do my best
"like, for sure" - july 28/04

dale: i made another picture at work today
mike: cool, you should upload it and show me
dale: maybe i should do real work there instead
mike: well, maybe.
dale: i have to get one made into a picture for friends b-day
dale: it is dope has a dead bird and a rose and his face all in blue cut out
mike: err ok
mike: i'm not really visualizing
dale: yeah it was funny cause we were walking somewhere and he was all like take a picture of this dead bird
dale: and then i was like why and he was all like cause it is beautiful
dale: and then like i totaly took the picture
dale: fer sure
mike: i see
dale: i am sucha fucking valley girl
"green lasagna" - aug. 3/04

dale: haha guess what there is green lasagna in the fridge
mike: mmm appetizing
dale: i thought it was vegetarian because it was green but then i saw the fur
"important message" - aug. 3/04

bucholtz: Hey Nick!
nick: (asleep) ...what?
bucholtz: Fuck you!
"jay is full of hate" - aug. 9/04

jay: ed is gay
mike: edochano
jay: moving away
jay: loser
jay: stupid Jen
ed: what is up
jay: why doesn't she just show me her boobs
ed: cause its you
jay: ED is gay
jay: so is Jenn
jay: screw them all
jay: I hate them
jay: I hope Ed gets shot in the states
"polish" - aug. 9/04

dale: I want a t-shirt that says kiss me I am polish.
"the Townsman" - aug. 10/04

mark: Did you dig up any dirt on that Cummings fucker
mark: Who will be the recipient of a boot in the teeth pretty soon
mike: not yet
mike: is he still being a prick?
mark: no, but the Townsman never forgets......
mark: unless it's a spelling of a name, then we do all the time
mark: BUT, it's always consistent
"sandler" - aug. 11/04

nick: i just turned on the tv and it was the mtv movie awards. adam sandler and drew barrymore won some award for something
nick: and i turned it on just in time for sandler to say "This award is for all those people who can't get dates...just remember all you people, if you cant get a date then you cant get herpes, so it's alright."
mike: haha
nick: and i thought he was awesome before!
"the trek station girl, part 1" - aug. 12/04

jay: Do you know the Trek station girls name?
jay: She was hot!!
mike: haha no i don't know her name
jay: find it out for me?
mike: what, say "remember that guy who came in here?"
jay: just lie to me
jay: make her name a good one
jay: like Clamidia, a good sounding named too bad it's a VD.
mike: yeah that's not so nice
jay: it sounds nice
jay: rolls off your tongue, Cla-mid-ia
mike: sounds like clam
jay: idia
"the difference" - aug. 12/04

danielle: The difference between guys and girls is guys are drawing your nipples in great detail on napkins and chicks are naming their children and deciding if your name and his last name sound good together.
"the trek station girl, part 2" - aug. 14/04

mike: it was the trek station girl
mike: WASN'T IT
jay: YES!!!!
jay: she wqas hot
jay: what's her name?
mike: mm how about Kristin
jay: nice
jay: she shall be known as Kristin of the vulcan trek station.....in Alberta
"upset" - aug. 15/04

dale: I haven't been this upset since the credits came on at the end of The Never-ending Story.
"rap" - aug. 16/04

dale: ha when i met coleen's friend i was all at the bar and i was all like rap sucks how can anyone like rap
dale: and coleen's friend was all like i like rap and then i said "your stupid"
"true athletes" - aug. 16/04

rob: So, Canada finally won a medal eh?
nick: What'd they win in?
rob: Oh I don't know, some ridiculous made-up event. I think it was the 'Synchronized diving for quadripeligic athletes whose mothers were anemic' event.
nick: Ah, a real classic.
rob: Yeah, I hear four people were there to see it.
"pink-banana" - aug. 17/04

dale: dude at work i found a pink panther movie of old cartoons and it is called the pink banana
mike: oh yeah
mike: brb, going to make dinner
dale: what cha having
dale: dink?
dale: pink banana
mike: no and no
dale: pink on the cob
dale: or are you eating the muff
dale: hahahahahahah
dale: lmao rofl and then i die
"what's new" - aug. 18/04

jenn: HEY MIKE
mike: hey jenn!
jenn: what's new?
mike: west nile was found here
mike: first case in alberta
jenn: oh...
mike: found in vulcan
jenn: doesn't really suprise me
jenn: where there is anthrax.... there is West Nile
jenn: next is Ebola
jenn: watch out for that Ebola, i hear it's uncomfortable
mike: anthrax, west nile, a few good tornados, and next ebola
mike: would be about right
jenn: yeah it would be like a great end to a bad book
mike: oh and i guess sunday night there was horrific car accident 10 mins out of town where somebody was standing in the middle of the highway and got hit
mike: and then hit again later by other people driving who didn't know
jenn: WHAT
jenn: what do you meeean
mike: catherine, the reporter, went to cover it and was told by police that there was nothing she could possibly take a picture of and use
jenn: and why did they LEAVE him there!
jenn: ugh gross
mike: people later called and said there was something on the road
mike: but they weren't sure if it was a deer or something or what
jenn: OH MY GOD i'm gonna be sick
mike: and they had to have the dogs
jenn: whysat
jenn: to find all the parts?
mike: yah
jenn: omg seriously i feel like crying thats sooo wrong
mike: yeah it was pretty bad i guess
jenn: gah agha gah gah gah
jenn: honestly i am almost throwing up thinking about this
jenn: holy shit hollllly shit
jenn: good LORD
jenn: i'm upset
jenn: hey new rule. next time "hey what's new" doesn't mean "hey what's disgusting and can make jenn barf/cry"
"convos" - aug. 18/04

jenn: aw mike i miss our convos
mike: me too
jenn: they are conversensational
"guess what" - aug. 22/04

shaun: GUESS WHAT!
mike: what?
shaun: nah i've got nothing
"vigorous" - aug. 23/04

dale: We coo in each others ear and gently cup each others testicles.
lorne: Coo, coo.
dale: I wouldn't call it a love affair. I would call it a sex affair. Sweaty anal sex.
lorne: And it is very vigorous,
dale: Vigorous gay sex please.
lorne: In the living room.
"gameboy ninja, part 1" - aug. 23/04

dale: Hey Mike which games do you have for your gameboy SP?
mike t: Blah blah rock 'n roll racing and river city ransom.
dale: Holy shit, holy shit can I play rock 'n roll racing when you are done there?
mike t: You can play now I have two gameboys.
dale: Why do you have two gameboys?
mike t: Becuase I am a ninja.
"gameboy ninja, part 2" - aug. 23/04

tom: Awww you guys are playing gameboy!
dale: Ohhhh yeah and it is soooooo sweet.
tom: I wanna play gameboy.
mike t: Well you can.
tom: But isn't there only two?
mike t: No simon also has one.
tom: Then whose are these two?
mike t: Those two are mine.
tom: Why do you have two gameboys?
mike t: Becuase I am a ninja.
"sellout" - aug. 24/04

silv: We should just sell out and be called Coca-Cola University...The choice of a new education.
"hungry" - aug. 30/04

dale: I'm sooooooo fucking hungry.
sam: I have food here.
dale: But i want like burger or something trashy.
sam: I have hot dogs.
dale: Are you hitting on me?
"underwear" - aug. 30/04

7-11 guy: Is this everything?
wanda: Yes.
7-11 guy: How is it going today?
wanda: I'm not wearing underwear.
7-11 guy: Uhhhhhh is this everything?
"note" - sept. 1/04

mark: I've just received a note from my editor, it says: TELL YOUR BUDDY TO STOP SENDING WHITE POWDER TO VULCAN CITY COUNCILLORS
"open minded" - sept. 4/04

meghan: That's the thing about whores, they don't discriminate.
"ash versus bond" - sept. 6/04

mike: bruce campbell compared the chances of that movie happening to the chances of ash vs james bond happening, in which ash beds every single bond girl ever
shaun: haha
shaun: that would be funny
mike: imagine the one liners
shaun: yeah there would soo many opportunities
shaun: like how bond introduces himself
shaun: and you are?
mike: Bond, James Bond
mike: Ash. Housewares
shaun: haha ash's gadgets
shaun: bond would be like... "nice chainsaw, what does it do
mike: haha yeah
mike: ash throws it up in the air and jumps up and it miraculously fits right onto his arm
shaun: ash responds with "you want some?"
shaun: bond "uhh what?"
shaun: ash "come get some"
shaun: bond "no what?"
shaun: ash brutally kills bond
"omega" - sept. 7/04

silv: orientation was insane
silv: can't do that again
mike: hahaha
silv: especially on the first day of classes
silv: with people coming into House #2. "Hi, I was wondering if I could work at the paper?"
silv: "Sure, we meet every Monday at 5 for a meeting"
silv: "What day is that?"
mike: ahaha
mike: i love it
mike: i love it silv
silv: "Monday at 5. Right here"
silv: "Ok, I want to write sports."
silv: "You can talk/stalk/live with Al McInnis. "He'll answer all your questions. Here's his personal cell number. Please call him any time of day - perferably at 5 a.m."
mike: haha
silv: You'll like this one - UCC decided we weren't important enough this year to be worth a stamp from students doing the orientation stamp collecting. you know the stamps?
mike: yep
silv: so we got left off this year
silv: but they put the meat store on
mike: lol
silv: what the hell
"dale and the racing game" - sept. 8/04

dale: ha lorne rented this video game it is street racing syndicate
mike: ok
dale: and you get these girls and then you unlock them dancing to music sooo funny
dale: it is wierd cause at first you are like this is soo fucking retarded then you are like but that one girl is pretty hot then your like hey i kinda dig this song and next thing you know you bouncing up and down on the couch jerking off in fron of the bay view window hoping the old lady mowing her lawn across the street looks at you pounding your little red tool of love
"gretzky" - sept. 12/04

nick: i loved the camera that was ALWAYS on Gretzky the whole game. how easy of a job did that camera man have anyway?
mike: haha yeah
mike: lol
mike: i just had a funny mental train of thought
mike: it would have been so awesome if every time it cut to gretzky he was doing something different
nick: what's that?
mike: like he knew the camera was on him
mike: like first he's watching the game
mike: then he's eating a pizza
mike: then he and kevin lowe are playing connect four
mike: then gretzky's wearing a bear suit
mike: and then he's a cowboy
mike: and then a dinosaur
nick: haha, you're an idiot, but that would be funny
"random thing" - sept. 18/04

dale: I promised Melissa that I'd get her the biggest possible random thing for her birthday.
nick: So what'd you get her?
dale: Twenty bucks.
"plums" - sept. 18/04

dale: Tonight we're gonna get loaded then have a plum eating contest!
"waiting" - oct. 22/04

dale: I hate waiting more then anything.
dale: well being forcibly sodomized on a regular basis would suck alot but next to that i hate waiting the most.
"but he's dead" - nov. 3/04

dennis: (about Woodstock in 1969) I was 19.
dale: Wow. Did you get laid?
dennis: No, but I drank lots of beer.
dale: Did you catch Jimmy Hendrix?
dennis: No, I had to leave.
dale: But he's dead!
"stop talking" - nov. 18/04

rob: Stop talking. You're using ten dollar words to make a five cent point.
"melissa and cats" - nov. 18/04

melissa: I don't want to be alone my whole life, I don't want to end up with cats. I hate cats.
"poor cookie" - dec. 9/04

nick: Dammit, this poor cookie only has one chance at life and I went and bunged it up.
"unbearable" - dec. 10/04

(comment on nick's site: "Your comedy is unBEARable.")
mike: My comedy is of the highest koala-ity.
mike: In fact, you might say it's very depandable.
mike: the ensuing laughter usually occurs after a slight paws.
mike: Okay, I need to stop. This is getting rather grizzly.
mike: These puns won't win me any po-polar-ity contests.
mike: ...Though they might put an appreciative reader into kodiak arrest.
mike: Did you know they made Jellystone Park into a golf course? Last week I shot a double Yogi.
mike: What colour did the bear paint his house? Baloo.
"good question" - dec. 24/04

dale's mom: What have I done to make my children so strange?
"curling" - dec. 24/04

lorne: Curling is like drinking urine, except there is no drinking.


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